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Self Abuse - I Hurt Therefore Self Abuse - I Hurt Therefore I Am
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
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  How can I hurt myself? Let me count the ways. But first let me distinguish between hurting myself and abusing myself. Hurting myself - self-harm is a term commonly used for physically abusing oneself by cutting, self inflicting blows, pulling out hair (Trichotillomania) skin or nails, starving or food misuse, extreme piercing, or purposely burning ones’ self. Abusing myself - self-abuse covers the entire spectrum of self-destructive behavior, which includes emotional and psychological abuse and unconsciously or indirectly exposing oneself to physical harm via reckless or dangerous behavior. Addiction is viewed as a symptom rather than a cause of self-abuse, but many addictions (i.e. any kind of substance abuse, unsafe sex and even gambling) can become a reckless behavior that leads to physical harm.
  
  When people act in ways that seem abusive to themselves, we shame them. We disparage them as weak, selfish, suicidal. Sometimes we even ostracize them. Thus we are further punishing those who are already punishing themselves. But what do we gain from that reaction? Does this stop the self-abusive behavior? Does it make the underlying issues that instigated the self-abuse disappear?
  
  Self-abuse is an acting out of negative emotions – but it is not about wanting to die or about wanting to hurt others. It is about trying to cope, trying to live. Why do people act out in this manner? It’s because the self-abuse is a recreation of abusive situations from the past that shaped these people. The feeling of being abused is familiar and connotes a way of communicating, because the people who abused them originally were probably people that either loved and took care of them or were supposed to love and take care of them. Hence, self-abusive behavior now as an adult becomes a way of them taking care of themselves.
  
  The betrayal (social, physical, emotional) of children by trusted adults has devastating consequences. And while childhood trauma contributes to the initiation of self-destructive behavior, the lack of secure attachments helps to maintain it.
  
  Here is a young woman’s account of why she abuses herself. “It helps me cope and is a way for me to vent the self hate I was given by my abusers, which I now turn in onto myself. I want the outside to show how I feel on the inside, because I feel I deserve it; because life without abuse is so unfamiliar it’s terrifying; because if I don’t harm myself everyone will decide I’m OK and leave me alone and I am not OK.”
  
  (“Healing the Hurt Within”, 1999)
  
  While self-mutilation is directly linked to childhood abuse – drug and alcohol abuse is more complex. There are those who use substances to self medicate an undetected or undiagnosed emotional disorder (i.e. Depression, Bipolar Disorder, ADD, etc).   They self-abuse to relieve psychic pain – but not necessarily pain that arises from childhood abuse. And in families with a history of substance abuse, there is the genetic component - albeit many times a more complex one than susceptibility to addiction. There may be several generations of emotional disorder that led to the substance abuse – most likely Depression.
  
  Let’s look at how self-abuse relieves the suffering. There is a cycle to this behavior, and in a way it is similar to the cycle of domestic abuse:
  
  The person is plagued by memories of past traumatic events or intrusive, shameful and unacceptable thoughts. They are reacting to a negative or faulty self-belief (schema) that tells them that they are bad and worthless.
  
  These feelings are trapped inside and build – just like steam in an engine.
  
  The steam (rage) builds to a point where it has to find release – the person feels as if they will explode.
  
  The person either self injures or turns toward an addictive/compulsive behavior that temporarily dissipates the rage. While the person is in this state they may or may not be conscious of how their behavior is controlling them. They may or may not “feel the pain”. If they self injure, they either disassociate from the feelings or may actually want to feel the pain in order to externalize and concretize the internal psychic pain that they continually experience. Once they have acted out, there is a sense of relief – almost an orgasmic sense of relief.   It will not last.
  
  How can people counteract this cycle? First they must understand and acknowledge it. They particularly need to look at the negative, faulty self-belief that tells them that they are worthless and prods them on. Where did this belief come from? Where is the evidence that it is true? Does holding on to this belief serve any purpose or does it just keep me down? Is it truly my belief or the way those around me made/make me feel?   If you can reflect on it and slow yourself at this point; if you can come up with a counterargument to the one that has always led you down this path; then you can begin to take back control of your behavior.
  
  The goal is to develop a new relationship with yourself and alternative methods for self-care. This is not an easy road. It may take time. But the first step is always a desire to change.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross   LMFT
  
  2010
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
- Blog post
- 2 months ago
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Adult Bullies Adult Bullies
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
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  “All cruelty springs from weakness” (Seneca, 4BC-AD65)
  
  There are those who say that bullying is behind all forms of violence, conflict, persecution, abuse, harassment, discrimination and prejudice.
  
  The recent death of Phoebe Prince, the 15-year-old Massachusetts girl who hanged herself after being harassed by a group of students in her school, puts a spotlight on bullying among teenagers. And there have been other notable child, teen and young adult cases, on and off the Internet (i.e. cyber-taunting on Face book), that come to mind when we think of bullies. However, it isn’t just children and teenagers who bully. Although it may not be as obvious or as easily identifiable, adult bullying may be more widespread. “Independent research suggests that bullying is happening to around 1 in 4 people” – regardless of age (“Life After Adult Bullying” – Internet)
  
  Bullying is defined as “an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally.” (Wikipedia) It is characterized as behaving in a manner to gain power over another person. And it is a form of abuse. I would suggest that if you rephrase the descriptive action from “repeated aggressive behavior” to “taking frustrations out” on those who are weaker or different, bullying becomes a much more commonplace and identifiable act. In fact, it is pervasive.
  
  There are different types of bullies and different environments in which they proliferate. There are verbal bullies, physical bullies, serial bullies, Gang bullies, Cyber bullies, subordinate bullies, unwitting bullies, work bullies, sadistic bullies, and psychotic and sociopathic bullies. There are bullies at work, at home, in schools, in governments, in religious organizations, on the Internet, and in social cliques.
  
  What all bullies have in common is the use of power to satisfy one’s own psychological shortcomings. Each time a bully moves against someone weaker, he/she feels better about himself for an instant. But because that feeling doesn’t last, they do it again and again. Sometimes the bully appears to lack insight into their own behavior (unwitting bully), but more often the bully does know but elects to ignore the moral and ethical considerations by which the majority of people are bound. The rules don’t apply to them. Or they have projected so much self-hatred on the other that they truly believe that those they are bullying deserve exactly what they are getting.
  
  Why are there so many bullies in society? Because bullying in and of itself is not against the law. And most bullies commit non-arrestable offences. So it becomes unconsciously acceptable. It’s an outlet - a way to express frustration and/or rage and stay within the confines of the law.
  
  There are adult bullies we can easily identify – Hitler was a bully, Racists are bullies and your boss may be one as well. Parents and older siblings have been known to bully. Certainly, gang members bully. But what about those who threaten, shame or intimidate you into doing things you don’t really want to do? It happens to most of us, and when it does, we are being bullied - even when it comes from a person or institution that you love, respect, admire – your government, your church, your girlfriend/boyfriend, a family member, a professional colleague. Sometimes there is a fine line between harmless coercion and bullying. But you can feel the difference. You know when you are truly ambivalent and therefore open to being talked into something vs. when you are being forced to act against your better instincts, wishes or values. And if you are being bullied by more than one person (i.e. an organization or group), it is even more difficult to stand up for yourself.
  
  More insidious and pernicious is the type of bullying that has less to do with forcing you to do something you don’t want to and more to do with “putting you in your place”, minimizing or even destroying you in order to feel better about themselves. People do this consciously or unconsciously because of a hole inside of themselves that they try and fill by being better than someone else. It gives them a sense of power and authority in the world that they may not otherwise experience. It is a way to externalize their own feelings of insecurity, inferiority and rage by putting those feelings on someone else and then attacking them. Some bullying is so subtle that you can begin to believe the bully – they make you feel unsure of yourself - bad about yourself.   They can even do it in the guise of friendship or love. It becomes more of a mind game than an outright violation. But it is bullying just the same. We will not be able to rid the world of bullies, but we can learn how to stand up to them.
  
  The kind of people who bully usually have low self-esteem and a certain amount of resentment (envy, jealously) that pushes them to project their own feelings of inadequacy onto you while denying that anything is wrong with them. Not all bullies are serial bullies - sometimes the average person loses it under pressure and takes out their feelings in a bullying manner. But regardless of how or why it is happening to you, it is not acceptable.
  
  How do you stand up for yourself against bullying? Recognize what is happening and remember that it is the bully who has the problem – not you – and that it can be dealt with. Unless they are physically threatening you, bullies are “paper tigers”.   If you stand up to them calmly and confront their behavior rationally while asserting your rights, they will back down.   If you call them out on their actions, they usually have no place to go – especially if others are witness to those actions. You don’t have to attack a bully; you don’t want to give them a reason to escalate by engaging in a heated or emotional manner. You simply have to resolutely stand up for yourself. You may be thinking that this sounds easier than it would actually be. So start slowly. If you can’t immediately stand up to a bully, at least don’t play into their behavior by trying to appease them. Let them know by your reaction that you are not cowed, and then quietly walk away. Think about what you want to say and either approach them later or wait until the next time they behave in that manner and then call them out on it. Bullies don’t have any real power. Once they realize that you won’t engage in their game and have exposed them, they will fade away.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross   L.M.F.T.   2010
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
- Blog post
- 3 months ago
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Women Battering Men - The Oth Women Battering Men - The Other Side of Domestic Abuse
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
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  Let’s begin by talking about Domestic Abuse in general - how it is regarded and dealt with in our culture. As a psych intern I was taught that we must report Child Abuse, Elder Abuse, a credible threat by one individual to physically harm another or a credible threat by an individual to physically harm him or herself. So we do protect children, elders and people who are about to be harmed. However, unless a child was present during the time it was occurring, we are not allowed to report domestic abuse – only the parties involved can do that. What that means for me as a clinician is that I can defend an adult individual who is (possibly) about to be physically harmed, but I cannot defend an adult individual who actually was physically harmed. The logic here is that the individual should be able to stand up for him or herself. But a lot of the times that is simply not the case; and the reason it is not the case is that the individual may fear retribution, may be attempting to protect their partner or children, or may be so psychologically enmeshed that they don’t have the wherewithal to stand up for themselves. In the case of men who are abused, there is the additional factor of shame and not believing that anyone else will take their situation seriously.
  
  Domestic Abuse has always been treated as a personal family issue, and the Womens Movement has publicized it as an issue of female oppression. It may be both but it is also much more. Just as Child Abuse and Elder Abuse are no longer considered just personal family issues but social and legal issues as well, so must the abuse of one partner by another. It’s time we reconsider the laws surrounding Domestic Abuse.
  
  Now to the specific topic at hand. When we think of domestic abuse we mostly think of men battering women partners or men battering male partners and to a much lesser extent, women battering their female partners in a Lesbian relationship. But when it comes to women battering men, most people would say that they don’t really believe that can happen because men are physically stronger and therefore more capable of defending themselves. However, women do batter their male partners and in much larger numbers than anyone would have imagined.
  
  In 2008, California led the nation in public awareness of this previously hidden Domestic Violence issue. And subsequently, in October of that year, “the California state courts ruled that battered men deserve equal protection under the law”. (mensnewsdaily.com/2008/10/17/domestic-violence-awarenes-month).
  
  The California court ruling was based, in part, on empirical research undertaken by hundreds of social scientists. “This research has demonstrated that both men and women initiate Domestic Violence at roughly equal rates with some recent studies suggesting that the initiation rates for girls and women may be increasing. Furthermore approximately 40% of the physically harmed victims of Domestic Violence are men.”(MND.com)   While we have a federal “Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), it may be time to replace it with a “Domestic Violence Act” that doesn’t discriminate against gender.
  
  You wonder, how this is possible? It has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. But virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to do the same. Because there is a widely held assumption that women are victims and men are perpetrators – it is embarrassing, almost unthinkable, for many men to consider reporting. It makes them look weak, ineffectual even laughable in other peoples’ eyes. And they don’t believe that much will be done if they do report. They are right. While it is true that the actual physical harm inflicted by women on men is usually not as severe as the reverse situation, the emotional, psychological damage can be even greater. “Mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often more “brutal” than men.” (D.V. Against Men). And when there are children involved, it is equally as negatively impactful as abuse against women.
  
  Why do women abuse? For many of the same reasons that men abuse – alcohol and/or drug abuse, psychological disorders, and unrealistic expectations and assumptions. These women make unreasonable demands on their partners and attribute most of their depression, and frustration on them. They blame their partner rather than admit to their own insecurities, emotional problems, childhood traumas and current substance abuse. They want their partner to make them feel whole rather than take responsibility for their own lives. Making your partner a punching bag for your own insecurities and demons is gender blind. How the violence erupts though can be different between the sexes. With men, they commonly say “She made me do it”.   With women it’s, “he doesn’t care, he’s insensitive – I wonder if he has any feelings at all. It is the only way I can get his attention.”
  
  Why do men stay in abusive relationships? For many of the same reasons that women stay, they believe that it is their fault or that they deserve the treatment they receive. They are mentally, emotionally or financially dependent on the abusive female partner. Many men are afraid to leave their children alone with such an unstable person. They may also be afraid that they won’t be allowed to see their children or that she’ll turn the children against him.
  
  It is no surprise that help for men who are victims of domestic abuse – and come forward - is not as prevalent as it is for women. There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men. For now, most abused men will have to rely on private counseling services.
  
  If you are an abused male and need help, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at         1(800) 799-SAFE. Let them know you are out there.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross   LMFT   2010
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
- Blog post
- 4 months ago
- Views: 75
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Male Sexual Abuse of Boys Male Sexual Abuse of Boys
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
  An examination of both the victim and the perpetrator.
  
  Child sexual abuse is as much about power and domination as it is about compulsion. The object – female, male or both – is a reflection of erotic imagery and fantasy. But the action encapsulates repressed rage that treats the sexual act as a weapon against the victim. This is true of the incestuous relationship as well; although it is more likely here that the victim is the unintentional consequence, not the target, of these repressed forces.
  
  As with subjects I have previously written about - men abusing girls, women abusing boys, women abusing girls, older children abusing younger children and now with men abusing boys, we see that the psychological underpinnings are very similar. In fact, the sex of the offender and the sex of the victim is always a secondary consideration to the physical and psychological impact of the misuse of power by a trusted authority figure on a much younger person. That said, there are differences in the way a young person processes and is able to come to terms with childhood abuse depending on their own gender and the gender of the abuser.
  
  Over the past decade there has been an eruption of scandals surrounding sexual abuse of boys by Priests. Despite the public glare on these scandals, abuse of young boys is still generally under-recognized, under-reported and under-treated.   Just like sexually abused girls, sexually abused boys grow up exhibiting guilt, anxiety, shame and low self-esteem. Frequently, they are self-destructive and even self-mutilating.
  
  But what is different about the abuse of boys – especially boys abused by men – is that it often precipitates crises about sexual orientation and gender identity. This is related to shameful feelings of being less manly because they were victimized; and if the abuser was a male, then they fear it has affected, will affect or is an indication of their sexual orientation.   Girls who are abused by women do not automatically fear that they are Gay, but with boys it is different. It has to do with a culture of male homophobia and what it means to be “Masculine”, which has created a lot of anxiety and fear in boys over the prospect of being Gay.
  
  Masculinity is an ideal for men. Masculinity in our culture is recognized as heterosexual.   Masculine men are not victims, they are aggressors. They cannot be penetrated; they penetrate. They do not have sex with other men. They have sex with women and they procreate. Masculinity is a key part of male gender identity - the public expression of sexual orientation. So once a boy has been victimized, penetrated and had sex with another man, with or without their consent, their masculinity is compromised and therefore their sexual orientation is called into question. There is such profound shame attached to this notion for most boys that men with sexual abuse histories often have severe problems relating intimately to both men and women.
  
  If the boy grows up to be homosexual, he might wonder if it had to do with the abuse or else rationalize that it does. And it turns sex with men into a conflictive affair of desire vs. rage that many times leaves him emotionally numb. If the boy grows up to be heterosexual, he may either become homophobic and/or have constant anxiety about his sexual functioning (sexually abused men consistently score lower than sexually abused women on sexual self-esteem measures). This sense of inadequacy can make it difficult for many men to remain sexually intimate with a woman or even enjoy sex. In contrast, there are a significant proportion of abused men who can only relate sexually, using sex as a weapon or shield from more emotionally intimate relationships. “In addition to its self-soothing aspects, sexual compulsivity represents for many men a repetitive attempt at mastery over their original sexual victimization.” (Richard B. Gartner, 1999).
  
  What about the abuser? Traditionally, male abusers of boys have been identified as homosexuals, thereby adding another slanderous tag to the gay male population and confusing the sexual abuse of boys with gay sex. But “Virtually all male abusers of boys consider themselves heterosexual” (Gartner, 1999).   Pedophiles, even if they only abuse boy children, are different from homosexuals who like to have sex with younger men. There is a profound difference between sexual abuse and gay sex – one connotes control over a child, coercion, force, exploitation and abuse, and the other connotes a sexual choice and an encounter freely entered into by two adult males.
  
  Most sexually abused children know their abuser. But even if it’s a stranger, the profile of a male abuser is fairly consistent. He is more likely to be heterosexual than homosexual, he himself was probably abused as a child, he has unusual fantasies and compulsions, the act is more about power and control than it is about sex, and usually a current stressor sets off the abuse.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
  
  2010
- Blog post
- 5 months ago
- Views: 95
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SIBLING ABUSE – Children Abusi SIBLING ABUSE – Children Abusing Other Children
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
  Even though there can be life long debilitating psychological effects, sibling abuse may be the most ignored - if not accepted - form of domestic (i.e. sexual, physical, emotional) abuse. Why is this kind of abuse ignored or minimized? There is a lot that is swept under the rug in the guise of “sibling rivalry”. And American law does not consider this a prosecutable offense unless a child is turned in by their parent(s). In other words, parents would have to be willing to file an assault charge against their own child. So parents keep this type of abuse within the family. And a lot of the time, they even blame the victim.
  
  First some statistics: In an article entitled “A Major Threat to Children’s’ Mental Health”, Hart & Brassard reported that “There is evidence that brother-sister sexual relationships may be five times as common as father-daughter incest”.
  
  Finklehor and Baron, who are prominent researchers in the area of child abuse, state “sibling sexual abuse is prevalent in a remarkably large quantity of individuals from virtually all social and family circumstances.”   And a survey of 796 undergraduates of six New England colleges found that 15% of the females and 10% of the males reported having some type of sexual experience involving a sibling (Sibling Abuse – Wiehe). In this same publication it states that parents are aware of sexual abuse among siblings 18% of the time, emotional abuse 69% of the time and physical abuse 71% of the time.
  
  Sexual abuse aside, how do we define or recognize abuse among siblings? When there is an inequity in power between two adolescents and one uses control over the other to repeatedly hurt, threaten, or degrade, that is abusive behavior. Even name calling, and ridicule can wear away at a child’s self worth and self-esteem. “Children are especially vulnerable to degrading remarks because it is during their childhood years that they are developing a positive sense of self.” Unfortunately, most parents see this behavior as sibling rivalry. And while most emotional and even physical abuse, should and can be handled by parents rather than the law, first parents have to recognize that it is abuse.
  
  Sexual abuse is another story. Most incidents of sexual abuse by siblings go not only unreported but also undetected by parents. Most times, the siblings themselves recognize that what is happening is wrong and certainly it is recognized by society as wrong. So unlike physical and emotional abuse, this should be easier to detect by parents. But most kids don’t tell. They don’t tell because the older sibling is an authority figure, or because they are threatened or scared, or because they don’t realize that it is abuse because they blame themselves as much as their sibling for what is happening. And unlike physical or emotional abuse, it is happening secretly because the older sibling knows that they have crossed a line.
  
  What causes one sibling to abuse another?
  
  1.     Acting out anger at parents on sibling or acting out anger at an older sibling on a younger sibling
  
  2.     Parents overwhelmed by their own problems not paying attention.
  
  3.     Inappropriate expectations – older sibling given too much responsibility or freedom.
  
  4.     Mirroring parents behavior
  
  5.     Viewing the behavior as normal by parents
  
  6.     Socialization of males as dominant over females
  
  7.     Contribution of victim – “Research supports the hypothesis that the behavioral patterns of the abused child tend to invite further abuse” (Sibling Abuse – Wiehe) - it becomes a vicious cycle.
  
  “It is important to note that this interactional cycle theory does not blame the victim!” Rather it identifies a pattern in order to treat and help prevent further abuse.
  
  What are the long-term effects of sibling abuse?
  
  Time does not necessarily heal. Adult victims of childhood sibling abuse generally have lower self-esteem and are overly sensitive and insecure. They have trouble with relationships and repeat the victim role in their other relationships. They can have sexual functioning problems. There is continued self-blame at the same time that anger at their perpetrator is played out with others.
  
  So how do parents and other family members distinguish between abusive and normal (sibling rivalry) behavior?
  
  1.     Is it age appropriate?
  
  2.     Does one child appear to be a constant victim?
  
  3.     Is the purpose of the behavior – humiliation, sadism, to cause suffering, a result of a continual explosive anger?
  
  4.     Was the behavior planned, has it happened before, does the perpetrator feel remorseful?
  
  5.     Was property destroyed or animals abused?
  
  6.     The length and the degree of the behavior - one-time incidents, if serious enough (i.e. sexual abuse), can create a life long problem. Whereas name calling, ridiculing and even teasing if done consistently and at certain vulnerable ages (i.e. between six and seven years and/or between eleven and twelve years of age) can also create a life long problem.
  
  We need to build awareness and educate families about the difference between abusive and normal behavior among siblings. Listen to children and believe them. Good supervision and encouraging openness about discussing sex while informing children to “own their own bodies” and respect others are simple, logical steps towards protecting our children from abuse by siblings, cousins and other children.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T   2010
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
- Blog post
- 6 months ago
- Views: 91
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The Enabling Parent The Enabling Parent
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
  A while back, I jotted down some thoughts about a person I called “The Other Parent”. Since then, I’ve been collecting information and have concluded that there is a dearth of material on this subject. But I have expanded upon my initial ideas and hopefully this will be lead to more research data in the future. These were my initial thoughts:
  
  I’ve been experiencing a lot of counter-transference lately with my clients over “the other parent”; especially when the other parent is the mother. You may be wondering whom I’m referring to when I say the other parent. I’m referring to the parent who is not molesting their child in a household where a child is being molested. What about these parents anyway? Some of them really might not know, but if so, what planet are they living one? Most do know on some level but pretend not to. I’ll try not to sound too judgmental here; I’ll try and understand why this parent either has to look away and put up with the situation or else decides to in order to take the pressure off them. I realize that this other parent is missing something inside herself or himself that cleaves them to their mate. But regardless, I have an easier time empathizing with the molester whose compulsion drives them then with the pallid partner who is unable or unwilling to stand up for their child. It would be an oversimplification to say these other parents are weak and dependent. Perhaps many are. But I’m aware of some of them as being the rock in the household and/or the financial provider. And some of them pick their mates over their children even with the knowledge of what has taken place. I wish that I could come up with a diagnosis for “the other parent” so that I could find a way to understand them in my heart.
  
  The more pressing need is to be able to meet my client emotionally in the place where they are; and usually what they want is to find some way to hold on to the other parent and justify their behavior. After all, that’s all they have left. I certainly understand that, but that is where my own counter-transference gets in the way. If I can’t find a way to understand the other parent, to find compassion for them, I can’t honestly guide my client along a path to reconciliation or co-existence. And what I really want to say is give up! I want to be your good other parent and help you move on. That isn’t usually what they want.
  
  Sometimes the other parent makes my work clearer by their rejection of the client. But for the most part, the other parent doesn’t want to have to look at their own behavior; they want to get along with everyone and have the family continue on in what they consider a normal manner. Remember it is the victim who is usually viewed as the “identified patient”; no one else in the family really wants to do any work on themselves. I can only wait for my client to finally recognize that they have become too healthy to make an inherently dishonest situation work.
  
  Since I wrote those thoughts I have come to recognize that the parent I was referring to has a more active participation in the family dynamic – she/he is not the other parent but the enabling parent. Not only do a large percentage of them know, they collude. By their tacit approval they provide a cover for the molester and a shield for themselves. In the process, many of them construct a scenario so that the victim becomes the ostracized family member, the troubled outsider.   This becomes their rationalization. This child is crazy, is a liar, is difficult, is unstable. This child is not who I wanted him/her to be, does not behave the way I expected my child to behave. I cannot let this child tear my family apart.
  
  Perhaps the enabling parent recognizes disowned parts of themselves in this child. Perhaps the enabling parent is playing out a familiar scenario from his/her own childhood. Regardless, the enabling parent is not another victim of the abuser; he/she is an integral part of the fabric of this family. The abuser married the type of individual who enables them to be who they are. This is the only partner they could choose. Because even though it probably wasn’t all consciously planned, it was what the abuser needed and the only outcome possible. We pick the partners we need – not necessarily the ones we want.
  
  There are parents who truly don’t know that their children have been abused – but probably not if the child has been abused over an extended period of time. And the parents who truly don’t know, leave and take the child (children) as soon as they do find out. When dealing with survivors, I have found that it is important to help them understand the entire family dynamic – no matter how painful – in order for them to truly heal.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross   LMFT
  
  2010
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
- Blog post
- 7 months ago
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Female Sexual Abusers - Who Ar Female Sexual Abusers - Who Are They? Part III
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
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  There weren’t a lot of statistics, because no one thought it was a problem.              But then in 1990, Ramsay–Klawsnick found that adult females were abusers of male adolescents 37% of the time and of female adolescents 19% of the time; and in six studies reviewed by Russell and FInkelhor, female perpetrators accounted for 25% or more of those abused. In 1996, The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect conducted a widespread investigation on the maltreatment of children. Of the three million children investigated, more than one million were identified as victims of abuse and of the one million, 12% were sexually abused. The sexual abuse of children by women, primarily mothers, once thought to be so rare that it could be ignored, constituted 25% (approximately 36,000 children) of the sexually abused victims.   Furthermore, all of these statistics are likely underestimated because victims of this type of abuse rarely disclose. Finally, there is an alarmingly high rate of sexual abuse by females in the backgrounds of rapists, sex offenders and sexually aggressive men – 59% (Petrovich and Templer, 1984), 66% (Groth, 1979) and 80% (Briere and Smiljanich, 1993).
  
  Why haven’t we, as a society, been aware of this problem? Most probably because women have been idealized as mothers and nurturers. They haven’t been viewed as sexual aggressors. And because they are caretakers and are expected to be emotional, warm and physical with children, no one notices or suspects them. Sexual abuse by women is rarely reported because their victims usually are their own children - who are dependent on them. Furthermore, these children either do not understand what is happening to them or do not think anyone will believe them. And for male victims, there is additional embarrassment and denial – they must have wanted it – men (boys) can’t be raped!
  
  But women can be sexual aggressors. And even though the abuse they are capable of doesn’t conjure up violent images of attack and penetration, surveys show that women are capable of a different type of violence toward their victims, sometimes physical and almost always psychological and verbal. This abuse can penetrate the psyches of their victims more deeply because they are the one person who was never supposed to betray them.
  
  What type of woman would betray her own child or another person’s child in such a manner and why? A profile of a female sexual abuser looks something like this: She would probably be a person with low self-esteem who may have had a history of severe emotional and verbal abuse and/or been a victim of childhood sexual abuse herself. In fact, a study by Fowler et al in 1983 maintained that 80% of incest offenders had been sexually or physically abused as children. There would be feelings of alienation and isolation and possibly the loss of a spouse or other adult partner.   She might have a history of drug or alcohol abuse and less often a history of indiscriminate or compulsive sexual activity. There might be arrested psychosexual development; there might be a need to have power and control in some aspect of her life. But the common perception that any woman who does this has to be mentally insane is false. Only a minority of female abusers do not pass reality-testing measures. How the abuse takes place and with who may differ, but the personality type can be constructed from the above profile.
  
  David Finkelhor, who has written extensively on this subject, maintains that there is a Four Factor Model, or to put it another way, there are four components that contribute in different degrees to child molestation:
  
  1.     Emotional Congruence – a satisfaction of emotional needs through the abuse of a child that is due to either arrested psychosexual development, immaturity or low self-esteem.
  
  2.     Sexual Arousal – probably due to familial conditioning through their own childhood abuse or early fantasy reinforced by masturbation.
  
  3.     Blockage – Age appropriate sexual opportunities have been cut off by either a traumatic sexual experience with an adult, sexual dysfunction, limited social skills or a marital disturbance such as the loss of a spouse. The latter has been described as a “Theory of Loss” phenomenon precipitating abuse.
  
  4.     Disinhibition – due to poor impulse control either because of substance abuse, a chaotic family background or psychotic mental illness.
  
  There are women who are pedophiles and simply pursue children for the sex, but the female abuser usually falls into one of three categories:
  
  1.     Predisposed Offender - the abuser was herself abused as a child and she continues the generational pattern by abusing her own children. It is thought that she becomes an offender in an effort to resolve her own childhood sexual trauma.
  
  2.     The Teacher/Lover - she generally becomes involved with an adolescent male with whom she relates to as a peer. She may be looking for non-threatening emotional intimacy.
  
  3.     The Male- Coerced offender – she is being led by an abusive male who she is extremely dependent upon. But she may eventually initiate sexual abuse on her own.
  
  While the public is periodically shocked into awareness by sensational revelations of the second and third type of female abuser (i.e. Hedda Nussbaum,
  
  Mary-Kay Latourneau), it is the first type that we have to finally give a face to – she is the one that is quietly victimizing thousands of young children who have nowhere to turn for safety.   And the children ARE young. Studies have concluded that women abusers victimize younger children than male abusers – probably because of their role as caretakers. If current research is correct and more female than male children are sexually abused, then it is logical to conclude that more girls may grow up to be sexual offenders themselves and there may be a significantly larger number of female sexual abusers than we had previously imagined.
  
  It is up to us to put aside deep-rooted myths about females, and more specifically mothers, in order to deal with the widespread problem of child abuse and more accurately expose all types of child sexual abusers.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT   2010
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
- Blog post
- 8 months ago
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Mother Love/Female Abusers Pa Mother Love/Female Abusers Part II - The Psychological Impact on Daughters Who Have Been Sexually Abused by Their Mothers
- From: rweisberg
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  “There is no other closeness in human life like the closeness between a mother and her child. Chronologically, physically and spiritually, they are just a few heartbeats away from being the same person” *
  
  This is the darkest secret of them all. It challenges societal expectations and myths more than any other form of sexual abuse. It infers sex between a mother and a daughter as well as homosexuality. It is the most difficult type of abuse to identify from the outside and the most under-reported. We are a society in denial. It happens much more than anyone would believe. And while it can be very subtle, most of the time it is not subtle at all, it co-occurs with physical abuse. It challenges our notions of how you define sexual abuse. But to the victim, it is very clear that something terribly wrong is occurring and that there is nowhere to turn for help.
  
  In her seminal book, “Mother-Daughter Incest”, Beverly Ogilvie eloquently describes the societal view of the mother-daughter relationship:
  
  “The mother–child bond has been called the essential human connection, one that teaches us how to love and without which we cannot be whole human beings. A mother’s love provides basic security, stability, nurturing admiration, cuddling, holding and kissing, caring, and acceptance. We receive courage, sense of self, the ability to believe we have value as human beings, and the ability to love others as well as ourselves, from the strength of our mother’s love for us when we are infants. As our first mirror of life, mother functions as protector, guide and interpreter.
  
  A unique tie exists between a mother and daughter in our society, which is encouraged and supported through societal values. A young girl’s identification with her mother continues throughout life, thereby maintaining the mother-daughter relationship while establishing her identity. As women, society encourages us to carry our mothers with us in every breath, every decision, every success, and every failure. Our sense of self as a daughter is entwined with a sense of mother. We look to our mothers in terms of how we define ourselves, in terms of what it is to be a woman and what it is to be a daughter. In essence, there is a shared social role, a shared prescription for life, and shared philosophy. The inevitable modeling relationship between mother and daughter forges her image of herself as a woman, with a sense of basic trust that her mother gave her.”
  
  One cannot, therefore, overstress the significance of the mother-daughter bond and how its betrayal decimates the victim.
  
  Mother-daughter incest is the least understood of all types of sexual abuse. The mother-daughter relationship is characterized by boundaries that are less clearly defined than for mothers and sons and certainly than for fathers and daughters and fathers and sons. A mother’s physical and emotional control over her daughter is viewed tolerantly in our society; and displays of physical intimacy and emotional acting out are so acceptable, that it makes the identification of mother-daughter sexual abuse that much harder. But for those girls living through it, the devastation is unequivocal.
  
  Since mothers usually are the primary caretakers and source of nurturance for their children -and especially their daughters - mixing these functions with sexual abuse leaves the survivor sickened, confused, full of self-loathing and with no sense of her own identity. While boys may have a male figure to turn to, these girls become fused with their mothers in a dark secret that turns their world upside down. In these abusive situations the focus of the relationship is the mother’s needs, including her sexual needs, with no consideration for the daughter as anything more than an extension of herself. The sex isn’t necessarily about sex; more often it is a generational handing down of abusive/incestuous relationships. But contrary to common belief that only mentally insane women are predators; just like with men, some of the most “respectable” appearing women (to the outside world) are preying on their children behind closed doors.
  
  And with daughters it goes deeper than with sons. From birth a daughter models herself after her mother, and so she may not be allowed to discover where her mother ends and she begins. To be so enmeshed with ones perpetrator can be annihilating. For the mother daughter incest survivor, her core relational self, her self-structure has been denied because there is no safe, loving other to model. Essentially, the daughter has experienced the most extreme disconnection and violation because she has been physically, emotionally and sexually violated by the one person in her world who was supposed to protect, nurture and guide her. This is representative of a most severe form of psychological trauma, and in many cases it causes disassociation, detachment and freezing of emotions in the survivor.
  
  “Many daughters possess aspects of their mother’s personalities, physical appearance, or interests. Some sexually abused daughters, however, may feel that their mothers have poisoned their potential to become healthy women. They may feel that parts of their mothers now live within them. Just as the daughters may come to loathe and mistrust their mothers, they come to loathe and mistrust anything in themselves that they believe comes from their mothers. These feelings can be profoundly disturbing. A daughter may feel that just as her mother was abusive to her from outside, the mother can now be abusive and destructive from inside her as well.” **
  
  We need to bring this form of abuse out of the shadows. It is long overdue. We have to recognize that a problem exists, give it a face and find an avenue for these young girls to be able to reach out for help. The abuse itself takes many forms - from inappropriate touching or licking to masturbation to sodomy to enemas to pornography and/or making a daughter perform or watch others (i.e. her mother) perform sex with a third party. The list goes on. Dr. David Finkelhor, a noted researcher conceived of the following criteria to define child sexual abuse: it includes traumatic sexualization – premature and inappropriate sexual learning; betrayal – a violation of trust and dependency through activities and events; powerlessness – coerced by force, threats or deceit to submit to boundary violations and stigma – the secrecy causes the child to fear blame for the adult’s actions.
  
  Because this type of abuse has been so minimized and marginalized, there is a dearth of reliable statistical research. But when surveys have been conducted, the results always point in the same direction. In 1996, the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect investigated more than two million reports alleging maltreatment of more than three million children. More than one million of these children were identified as victims of abuse. Of these one million, 12% were sexually abused and of those sexually abused, mothers constituted 25% (approx. 36,000 children) of the perpetrators of the sexually abused victims. Furthermore, this statistic was considered to be underestimated due to the tendency of non-disclosure by victims.
  
  We need to get past our preconceived notions of motherhood and recognize the full spectrum of female sexuality, behavior and emotions. We need to reach out and give the young victims as well as adult survivors of mother/daughter incest a clear voice and a way back to healing.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross 2009
  
  www.roniweisbergross.com
  
  *Cheever as quoted by Lanese - “Mothers Are Like Miracles”
  
  **Rosencrans – “The Last Secret”
- Blog post
- 9 months ago
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MOTHER LOVE / Female Abusers MOTHER LOVE / Female Abusers
- From: rweisberg
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  “A Social Problem Does Not Exist For A Society Until It Is Recognized By That Society To Exist” – H. Blumer
  
  The following is the first of a three-part series of articles:
  
  It was in a high school literature class that I was first introduced to the Oedipus Complex, defined as “a boy’s unresolved desire for sexual gratification through the parent of the opposite sex, especially the desire of a son for his mother”. It was in a college film class that I was shown a famous French film entitled “Murmur of the Heart” which took the Oedipal theme and played it out in a contemporary middle class setting. In this film, the sensitive youngest son of a beautiful, tempestuous Italian woman is ushered into manhood by her as he recovers from a heart murmur at a countryside sanitarium. The film would have you believe that although mother and son both realized that they had crossed a forbidden line, neither was scarred by the experience, and that in fact the son was now able to go on and become a man. At the time, I never questioned the implications of this theme.
  
  Mothers have been idealized for thousands of years. So the notion that the most trusted figure in our lives – the Madonna - could betray and abuse us sexually is particularly hard to fathom. And I would contend that that is the primary reason that this particular form of abuse has not been properly identified and addressed in our culture. Statistics, however, begin to set the record straight: A July 2000 Justice Department report found that “women account for 4 percent of those who sexually abuse children under 18 years of age, and about 12 percent of those who molest children younger than six years of age.” Mind you, these types of studies look at a prescribed definition of abuse – one that more readily fits the notion of the male as aggressor - and does not address other questionable (and damaging) behaviors such as parents (mothers) sleeping with children; bathing, fondling and massaging them; dressing and undressing in front of them; engaging in sexualized talk and making them touch them in inappropriate ways. And it is believed that abuse by mothers is so grossly under-identified and under-reported that these statistics only reveal a fraction of the problem.
  
  Why is abuse by mothers so much more under-reported than abuse by fathers?
  
  Because of the very nature of the relationship.   Professionals consider mothers more trusted figures than fathers. And even if there is suspicion of abuse, there is likely not to be any physical evidence. Additionally, a mother’s actions can be more confusing because of her traditional role as the primary physical caretaker and nurturer. In many cases, the child’s family includes only the mother. What child would risk losing his/her only family? She may be the only one available for love and support?
  
  In many instances of mother/son incest the abuse occurs because the son becomes a substitute for the non-existent father. His sense of protecting and taking care of her and being the “man” she needs becomes enmeshed in the abuse. And the type of abuse that takes place between a mother and son doesn’t always fit into social stereotypes. Society views sexual abuse as something violent or coercive and aggressive – and something that usually involves intercourse. But whether coercion is used or not, “if a child is introduced to a sexually stimulating behavior- which is inappropriate to his (or her) psychosexual and psychosocial developmental maturity – by a parent, it is incest and it is abusive” (C.A. Courtois, 1988).
  
  For male victims the situation becomes even more complicated. Boys are less likely to feel victimized and/or to report sexual abuse, especially mother-son incest, because they either see the abuse as something positive (mother love) or they believe that it is either consensual or they are to blame. Especially, if they became stimulated and ejaculated, they believe that they wanted it. Furthermore, boys are more likely to internalize and not tell - in fact disclosure during childhood was the only sexual abuse variable that differentiated the genders in a study by Roesler & McKenzie (1994) – 31% vs. 61%. But the most significant finding in this study was that the long-term symptomological response to childhood abuse among adult male and adult female victims was similar – in other words – abuse has profound negative long-term effects for both sexes.   This shatters another myth - that boys can handle incest or childhood sex and may even welcome it as a right of passage.
  
  The psychological consequences of mother/son incest are significant.
  
  Because boys don’t tell, they can experience a greater degree of shame, stigma and self-blame than girls. Especially in our current environment, where girls are encouraged to speak up, boys are left to hide something that cuts to the very core of their male hood. In his study on the Psychological Impact of Male Sexual Abuse, David Lisak says one of the most crucial aspects of the experience of male sexual abuse is “a fundamental loss of control: over one’s physical being, one’s sense of self, one’s sense of agency and self-efficacy, and one’s fate”. And yet, as one boy put it, “the thought of losing her was more frightening than her abuse of me.” Lisak refers to the helplessness, isolation and alienation boys experience as they grow up hiding their secret and “seeding the potential for a lifelong struggle with alienation from other people.”
  
  In order to compensate for the feelings of victimization and helplessness that permeated their childhood, adult males abused as boys deal with their masculinity in one of two ways, they either become hyper-masculine and exhibit a lot of anger, especially in relationships with women, or they become passive caretaker types putting everyone else’s needs before their own and exhibiting little or no male ego. Either way they are fighting deeply ingrained feelings of masculine inadequacy. But possibly the most destructive long-term consequence of the abuse is the victim’s inability to trust and therefore to connect with other people. If you have been betrayed by the first and most important figure in your life, how can you ever trust anyone else?
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross   2009
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
- Blog post
- 10 months ago
- Views: 319
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Emotional Abuse: What it is an Emotional Abuse: What it is and why it is so important to recognize
- From: rweisberg
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  Sticks and stones may break my bones but … bullying and name-calling can emotionally scar me forever. Not the original ending to the classic verse, but probably the more accurate one. It seems that broken bones will heal far more quickly than a battered soul. Does this sound overly dramatic?
  
  Not according to a study conducted by Florida State University and published in the Journal of Affective Disorders. It states that verbal abuse has been shown to produce 1.6 times as many symptoms of depression and anxiety among adults as those who have not been verbally abused. And those adults were twice as likely to have suffered a mood or anxiety disorder over their lifetime.
  
  Verbal abuse is only one aspect of emotional abuse - the most common form of abuse, and perhaps the least clearly understood. That’s because emotional abuse is not a single or quantifiable act. It is difficult to chronicle or identify. It is both pervasive and can be very subtle – deeply affecting but harder to prove than sexual or physical abuse.
  
  Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents – whether intentional or not – that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person. Emotional abuse in childhood is particularly devastating because a child’s sense of self is still not fully formed and therefore they are very receptive to what others say about them. When they repeatedly hear negative things about themselves from people that they trust, they develop a set of beliefs that shape their future identity. It has been shown that both verbal and non-verbal communication can create a powerful message. And emotional abuse can and usually does include both.
  
  When a person is physically or sexually abused, they recognize that something wrong (bad) is happening to them. With emotional abuse, that might not be the case. Therefore, the person may be taking in hurtful and debilitating information without any filter. That is, their psyche is not defending them from the onslaught. In fact, they may even be telling themselves that they deserve what they are experiencing and that they are bad. This type of abuse consequently turns into a potent form of self-criticism. Survivors of emotional abuse are self-critical because they have internalized years of negative messages and they now believe it. Adults who have been emotionally abused as children are among the most self-critical – hence the degree of depression and anxiety found among this population.
  
  Emotional abuse has classically been under-reported and its effects minimized. But this form of abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. It can leave them feeling unworthy, undeserving, unlovable and insignificant. People who have been emotionally abused may have a hard time recognizing the importance of the abuse. Not only does our culture minimize it, it suggests that the victims themselves are weak, further victimizing them. Most abusers are not clearly identifiable bullies/abusers, and so it’s hard to point a finger or charge them with a crime. How then do we recognize and deal with emotional abuse?
  
  Trust your own instincts and the instincts of others who claim to have been abused. If you/they feel it or can name it, attention must be paid. Respect your emotions. This abuse is insidious and can be very subtle. But it wears away at your self-esteem and sense of self. If someone has or is continually making you feel bad about yourself, scaring you or making you feel as if you are crazy, then even if they aren’t fully aware of it, they are abusing you. Just because emotional abuse is not treated as a crime doesn’t mean it isn’t serious.
  
  Identifying your abuser and recognizing that nothing you did or did not do was the reason they acted the way they did, is an important first step towards healing. And if it is still going on in the present, remember that “trying harder” will not stop an emotionally abusive person’s behavior. You are not the problem! If you feel safe enough, you can confront them with the truth and see if they are ready to acknowledge their problem. If you don’t feel safe, then remove yourself from the situation – perhaps permanently.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
  
  2009
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
- Blog post
- 11 months ago
- Views: 121
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The Other Parent The Other Parent
- From: rweisberg
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  The following is not an article but some preliminary thoughts on what may be expanded into one later on:
  
  I’ve been experiencing a lot of counter-transference lately with my clients over “the other parent”, especially when the other parent is the mother. You may be wondering who I’m referring to when I say the other parent. I’m referring to the parent who is not molesting their child in a household where a child is being molested. What about these parents anyway? Some of them really might not know, but if so, what planet are they living on? Most do know on some level but pretend not to. I’ll try not to sound too judgmental here; I’ll try and understand why this parent either has to look away and put up with the situation or decides to in order to take the pressure off themselves. I realize that the family will probably fall apart if the status quo is challenged. I realize that this other parent is missing something inside himself or herself that cleaves them to their mate. But regardless, I have an easier time empathizing with the molester whose compulsions drive them then with the pallid partner who is unable or unwilling to stand up for their child. It would be an oversimplification to say these other parents are weak and dependent. Perhaps many are. But I’m aware of some of them as being the rock in the household and/or the financial provider. And some of them pick their mates over their children even with the knowledge of what has taken place. I wish that I could come up with a diagnosis for “the other parent” so that I could find a way to understand them in my heart.
  
  The more pressing need is to be able to meet my client emotionally in the place where they are; and usually that is wanting to find some way to hold on to the other parent and justify their behavior. After all, that’s all they have left. I certainly understand that, but that is where my own counter-transference gets in the way. If I can’t find a way to understand the other parent, to find compassion for them, I can’t honestly guide my client along a path to reconciliation or co-existence. And what I really want to say is give up. I want to be your “good other parent” and help you move on. That isn’t usually what they want.
  
  Sometimes the other parent makes my work clearer by their rejection of the client. But for the most part, the other parent doesn’t want to have to look at their own behavior; they want to get along with everyone and have the family continue on in what they consider a normal manner. Remember it is the victim who is usually viewed as the “identified patient”; no one else in the family really wants to do any work on themselves. I can only wait for my client to finally recognize that they have become too healthy to make an inherently dishonest situation work.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross
  
  2009
  
  www.roniweisbergross.com
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Adult Depression and Childhood Adult Depression and Childhood Abuse
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
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  Over the years I’ve discovered that a significant proportion of adult clients who present with depression have a history of childhood abuse. The abuse may have been sexual, physical and/or emotional.   At first I attributed this to the fact that I specialize in abuse and many clients who come to me saying they are depressed are using that as a presenting issue because they aren’t ready to discuss the abuse. But what I now understand is that not only do most adult survivors of childhood abuse suffer from some form of clinical depression. but that most adults with prolonged depression have suffered some form of childhood abuse. An article in Psychology Today published in 2003 stated that, “In almost every case of significant adult depression, some form of abuse was experienced in childhood, either physical, sexual, emotional or, often, a combination.”
  
  Depression runs in families. So does abuse. “Studies show that one in four girls and one in eight boys are sexually abused before the age of 18, and one in twenty children are physically abused each year.”   But sexual and emotional abuse, in particular, is woefully underreported. Most abused children grow up in an atmosphere of denial – denial by the adults around them and, for the most part, denial within themselves as a means of survival. Ultimately it is the secrecy around the abuse that helps to foster the depression. Additionally, neurobiology has expanded our understanding of how emotions affect brain chemistry. Traumatic events – such as any form of childhood abuse (sexual, emotional, physical) or neglect, changes the chemistry of the brain. These events can reshape wiring patterns and reset responses to them so that even a small degree of stress can produce an overabundance of stress hormones that in turn create anxiety and depression.
  
  Depression has been recognized as both a chemical imbalance in the brain and a turning of more aggressive feelings – i.e. anger – inward.   Self-criticism is anger turned inwards. In a recent study by Florida State University researchers, people who were verbally abused as children grew up to be self-critical adults prone to depression. Verbal abuse includes insults, swearing, threats of physical abuse and spiteful comments or behavior. “Over time, children believe the negative things they hear, and they begin to use those negative statements as explanations for anything that goes wrong.”   And while neither sexual nor physical abuse necessarily supply the critical words, the non-verbal communication of these actions say that the child is worthless. In fact, the non-verbal communication of these acts is even more powerful than the spoken words, but that in no way diminishes the fact that verbal abuse creates lasting damage as well.
  
  As clinicians, it is our job to help the depressed client recognize the abuse; recognize the effect it has had on them and help them find an avenue back to self-love through understanding.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T.
  
  2009
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- 1 year ago
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Power and Sexual Arousal in th Power and Sexual Arousal in the Abusive Relationshp
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
  When we think of children who have been sexually abused, we think of fear, anger and violence.   Most sexual abuse survivors talk of the terror and disassociation surrounding the abuse. Many still feel that way as adults and don’t enjoy sex now, even in a loving relationship. But there are those who have a more complicated story to tell. These survivors may have hated their abusers but experience an unspeakable shame over the fact that their bodies responded sexually to the abuse. They cannot live with the knowledge that they were sexually stimulated even as they were being raped. Now they are not only healing from the abuse but from the additional belief that they were partially responsible for the abuse - and that they may even have deserved it.
  
  While adult survivors can intellectually understand that as children they were victims of their abuse, they don’t always feel that way. And they certainly can’t accept that fact if they responded sexually. Many of them can’t imagine how a child could respond sexually. So they believe that not only are they dirty, but that they are freaks as well. Yet children do have sexual feelings.   Toddlers can sexually arouse themselves. And as they get older, many of them experiment and discover that their bodies respond. The myth that hormonal changes occurring at adolescence are the beginning of sexual feelings is just that, a myth.
  
  I worked with a 27-year-old woman for four years before she admitted to me that the only time she had ever had an orgasm was with the uncle who raped her beginning at age 6. This woman had been trying to put the abuse behind her so that she could finally enjoy sex and have an orgasm with her boyfriend now. She told me the most intimate details of her life but had never been able to reveal her darkest secret – as she got older she started to enjoy the sex and the power that she thought she had over her uncle. He bought her gifts – at first to keep her quiet. Later, she asked for things and gave him sex in return. She could never admit this before and now she was convinced that she could never forgive herself. She began to understand that she wasn’t closed down sexually because of the abuse but because of her response to it.
  
  How do you help a survivor in this situation understand that they are not to blame? The first step in this instance was for the young woman to finally acknowledge those
  feelings to another human being who didn’t judge her the way she was judging herself. The next step was to help her understand that she was coping with the situation in the best way she could. Sexual stimulation is instinctive and not a choice. Using whatever power she thought she had in the relationship was a survival tactic. As human beings we adapt and survive in whatever way we can.
  It cannot be said enough times, whatever she did in response to the abuse, she is not to blame; the abuser is the criminal.
  
  Unlike other incest victims, I could not honestly say to this young woman that no one would ever think that she was in any way to blame for what happened. Because unfortunately there are those in our society who will not understand.
  We are uncomfortable with sex. We have a hard enough time naturally accepting adult sexual feelings. Accepting childhood sexual feelings is beyond the pale.
  
  I am opening a dialogue about this issue so that other survivors of sexual abuse who have had this experience know that they are not alone.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T.
  2009
- Blog post
- 1 year ago
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Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T. Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T.
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
  Los Angeles therapist specializing in the treatment of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, major depression and social anxiety
- 1 year ago
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