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jeremy5wade
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foweymalinda
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Male Sexual Abuse of Boys Male Sexual Abuse of Boys
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
  An examination of both the victim and the perpetrator.
  
  Child sexual abuse is as much about power and domination as it is about compulsion. The object – female, male or both – is a reflection of erotic imagery and fantasy. But the action encapsulates repressed rage that treats the sexual act as a weapon against the victim. This is true of the incestuous relationship as well; although it is more likely here that the victim is the unintentional consequence, not the target, of these repressed forces.
  
  As with subjects I have previously written about - men abusing girls, women abusing boys, women abusing girls, older children abusing younger children and now with men abusing boys, we see that the psychological underpinnings are very similar. In fact, the sex of the offender and the sex of the victim is always a secondary consideration to the physical and psychological impact of the misuse of power by a trusted authority figure on a much younger person. That said, there are differences in the way a young person processes and is able to come to terms with childhood abuse depending on their own gender and the gender of the abuser.
  
  Over the past decade there has been an eruption of scandals surrounding sexual abuse of boys by Priests. Despite the public glare on these scandals, abuse of young boys is still generally under-recognized, under-reported and under-treated.   Just like sexually abused girls, sexually abused boys grow up exhibiting guilt, anxiety, shame and low self-esteem. Frequently, they are self-destructive and even self-mutilating.
  
  But what is different about the abuse of boys – especially boys abused by men – is that it often precipitates crises about sexual orientation and gender identity. This is related to shameful feelings of being less manly because they were victimized; and if the abuser was a male, then they fear it has affected, will affect or is an indication of their sexual orientation.   Girls who are abused by women do not automatically fear that they are Gay, but with boys it is different. It has to do with a culture of male homophobia and what it means to be “Masculine”, which has created a lot of anxiety and fear in boys over the prospect of being Gay.
  
  Masculinity is an ideal for men. Masculinity in our culture is recognized as heterosexual.   Masculine men are not victims, they are aggressors. They cannot be penetrated; they penetrate. They do not have sex with other men. They have sex with women and they procreate. Masculinity is a key part of male gender identity - the public expression of sexual orientation. So once a boy has been victimized, penetrated and had sex with another man, with or without their consent, their masculinity is compromised and therefore their sexual orientation is called into question. There is such profound shame attached to this notion for most boys that men with sexual abuse histories often have severe problems relating intimately to both men and women.
  
  If the boy grows up to be homosexual, he might wonder if it had to do with the abuse or else rationalize that it does. And it turns sex with men into a conflictive affair of desire vs. rage that many times leaves him emotionally numb. If the boy grows up to be heterosexual, he may either become homophobic and/or have constant anxiety about his sexual functioning (sexually abused men consistently score lower than sexually abused women on sexual self-esteem measures). This sense of inadequacy can make it difficult for many men to remain sexually intimate with a woman or even enjoy sex. In contrast, there are a significant proportion of abused men who can only relate sexually, using sex as a weapon or shield from more emotionally intimate relationships. “In addition to its self-soothing aspects, sexual compulsivity represents for many men a repetitive attempt at mastery over their original sexual victimization.” (Richard B. Gartner, 1999).
  
  What about the abuser? Traditionally, male abusers of boys have been identified as homosexuals, thereby adding another slanderous tag to the gay male population and confusing the sexual abuse of boys with gay sex. But “Virtually all male abusers of boys consider themselves heterosexual” (Gartner, 1999).   Pedophiles, even if they only abuse boy children, are different from homosexuals who like to have sex with younger men. There is a profound difference between sexual abuse and gay sex – one connotes control over a child, coercion, force, exploitation and abuse, and the other connotes a sexual choice and an encounter freely entered into by two adult males.
  
  Most sexually abused children know their abuser. But even if it’s a stranger, the profile of a male abuser is fairly consistent. He is more likely to be heterosexual than homosexual, he himself was probably abused as a child, he has unusual fantasies and compulsions, the act is more about power and control than it is about sex, and usually a current stressor sets off the abuse.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
  
  2010
- Blog post
- 5 months ago
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Mother Love/Female Abusers Pa Mother Love/Female Abusers Part II - The Psychological Impact on Daughters Who Have Been Sexually Abused by Their Mothers
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
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  “There is no other closeness in human life like the closeness between a mother and her child. Chronologically, physically and spiritually, they are just a few heartbeats away from being the same person” *
  
  This is the darkest secret of them all. It challenges societal expectations and myths more than any other form of sexual abuse. It infers sex between a mother and a daughter as well as homosexuality. It is the most difficult type of abuse to identify from the outside and the most under-reported. We are a society in denial. It happens much more than anyone would believe. And while it can be very subtle, most of the time it is not subtle at all, it co-occurs with physical abuse. It challenges our notions of how you define sexual abuse. But to the victim, it is very clear that something terribly wrong is occurring and that there is nowhere to turn for help.
  
  In her seminal book, “Mother-Daughter Incest”, Beverly Ogilvie eloquently describes the societal view of the mother-daughter relationship:
  
  “The mother–child bond has been called the essential human connection, one that teaches us how to love and without which we cannot be whole human beings. A mother’s love provides basic security, stability, nurturing admiration, cuddling, holding and kissing, caring, and acceptance. We receive courage, sense of self, the ability to believe we have value as human beings, and the ability to love others as well as ourselves, from the strength of our mother’s love for us when we are infants. As our first mirror of life, mother functions as protector, guide and interpreter.
  
  A unique tie exists between a mother and daughter in our society, which is encouraged and supported through societal values. A young girl’s identification with her mother continues throughout life, thereby maintaining the mother-daughter relationship while establishing her identity. As women, society encourages us to carry our mothers with us in every breath, every decision, every success, and every failure. Our sense of self as a daughter is entwined with a sense of mother. We look to our mothers in terms of how we define ourselves, in terms of what it is to be a woman and what it is to be a daughter. In essence, there is a shared social role, a shared prescription for life, and shared philosophy. The inevitable modeling relationship between mother and daughter forges her image of herself as a woman, with a sense of basic trust that her mother gave her.”
  
  One cannot, therefore, overstress the significance of the mother-daughter bond and how its betrayal decimates the victim.
  
  Mother-daughter incest is the least understood of all types of sexual abuse. The mother-daughter relationship is characterized by boundaries that are less clearly defined than for mothers and sons and certainly than for fathers and daughters and fathers and sons. A mother’s physical and emotional control over her daughter is viewed tolerantly in our society; and displays of physical intimacy and emotional acting out are so acceptable, that it makes the identification of mother-daughter sexual abuse that much harder. But for those girls living through it, the devastation is unequivocal.
  
  Since mothers usually are the primary caretakers and source of nurturance for their children -and especially their daughters - mixing these functions with sexual abuse leaves the survivor sickened, confused, full of self-loathing and with no sense of her own identity. While boys may have a male figure to turn to, these girls become fused with their mothers in a dark secret that turns their world upside down. In these abusive situations the focus of the relationship is the mother’s needs, including her sexual needs, with no consideration for the daughter as anything more than an extension of herself. The sex isn’t necessarily about sex; more often it is a generational handing down of abusive/incestuous relationships. But contrary to common belief that only mentally insane women are predators; just like with men, some of the most “respectable” appearing women (to the outside world) are preying on their children behind closed doors.
  
  And with daughters it goes deeper than with sons. From birth a daughter models herself after her mother, and so she may not be allowed to discover where her mother ends and she begins. To be so enmeshed with ones perpetrator can be annihilating. For the mother daughter incest survivor, her core relational self, her self-structure has been denied because there is no safe, loving other to model. Essentially, the daughter has experienced the most extreme disconnection and violation because she has been physically, emotionally and sexually violated by the one person in her world who was supposed to protect, nurture and guide her. This is representative of a most severe form of psychological trauma, and in many cases it causes disassociation, detachment and freezing of emotions in the survivor.
  
  “Many daughters possess aspects of their mother’s personalities, physical appearance, or interests. Some sexually abused daughters, however, may feel that their mothers have poisoned their potential to become healthy women. They may feel that parts of their mothers now live within them. Just as the daughters may come to loathe and mistrust their mothers, they come to loathe and mistrust anything in themselves that they believe comes from their mothers. These feelings can be profoundly disturbing. A daughter may feel that just as her mother was abusive to her from outside, the mother can now be abusive and destructive from inside her as well.” **
  
  We need to bring this form of abuse out of the shadows. It is long overdue. We have to recognize that a problem exists, give it a face and find an avenue for these young girls to be able to reach out for help. The abuse itself takes many forms - from inappropriate touching or licking to masturbation to sodomy to enemas to pornography and/or making a daughter perform or watch others (i.e. her mother) perform sex with a third party. The list goes on. Dr. David Finkelhor, a noted researcher conceived of the following criteria to define child sexual abuse: it includes traumatic sexualization – premature and inappropriate sexual learning; betrayal – a violation of trust and dependency through activities and events; powerlessness – coerced by force, threats or deceit to submit to boundary violations and stigma – the secrecy causes the child to fear blame for the adult’s actions.
  
  Because this type of abuse has been so minimized and marginalized, there is a dearth of reliable statistical research. But when surveys have been conducted, the results always point in the same direction. In 1996, the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect investigated more than two million reports alleging maltreatment of more than three million children. More than one million of these children were identified as victims of abuse. Of these one million, 12% were sexually abused and of those sexually abused, mothers constituted 25% (approx. 36,000 children) of the perpetrators of the sexually abused victims. Furthermore, this statistic was considered to be underestimated due to the tendency of non-disclosure by victims.
  
  We need to get past our preconceived notions of motherhood and recognize the full spectrum of female sexuality, behavior and emotions. We need to reach out and give the young victims as well as adult survivors of mother/daughter incest a clear voice and a way back to healing.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross 2009
  
  www.roniweisbergross.com
  
  *Cheever as quoted by Lanese - “Mothers Are Like Miracles”
  
  **Rosencrans – “The Last Secret”
- Blog post
- 9 months ago
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MOTHER LOVE / Female Abusers MOTHER LOVE / Female Abusers
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
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  “A Social Problem Does Not Exist For A Society Until It Is Recognized By That Society To Exist” – H. Blumer
  
  The following is the first of a three-part series of articles:
  
  It was in a high school literature class that I was first introduced to the Oedipus Complex, defined as “a boy’s unresolved desire for sexual gratification through the parent of the opposite sex, especially the desire of a son for his mother”. It was in a college film class that I was shown a famous French film entitled “Murmur of the Heart” which took the Oedipal theme and played it out in a contemporary middle class setting. In this film, the sensitive youngest son of a beautiful, tempestuous Italian woman is ushered into manhood by her as he recovers from a heart murmur at a countryside sanitarium. The film would have you believe that although mother and son both realized that they had crossed a forbidden line, neither was scarred by the experience, and that in fact the son was now able to go on and become a man. At the time, I never questioned the implications of this theme.
  
  Mothers have been idealized for thousands of years. So the notion that the most trusted figure in our lives – the Madonna - could betray and abuse us sexually is particularly hard to fathom. And I would contend that that is the primary reason that this particular form of abuse has not been properly identified and addressed in our culture. Statistics, however, begin to set the record straight: A July 2000 Justice Department report found that “women account for 4 percent of those who sexually abuse children under 18 years of age, and about 12 percent of those who molest children younger than six years of age.” Mind you, these types of studies look at a prescribed definition of abuse – one that more readily fits the notion of the male as aggressor - and does not address other questionable (and damaging) behaviors such as parents (mothers) sleeping with children; bathing, fondling and massaging them; dressing and undressing in front of them; engaging in sexualized talk and making them touch them in inappropriate ways. And it is believed that abuse by mothers is so grossly under-identified and under-reported that these statistics only reveal a fraction of the problem.
  
  Why is abuse by mothers so much more under-reported than abuse by fathers?
  
  Because of the very nature of the relationship.   Professionals consider mothers more trusted figures than fathers. And even if there is suspicion of abuse, there is likely not to be any physical evidence. Additionally, a mother’s actions can be more confusing because of her traditional role as the primary physical caretaker and nurturer. In many cases, the child’s family includes only the mother. What child would risk losing his/her only family? She may be the only one available for love and support?
  
  In many instances of mother/son incest the abuse occurs because the son becomes a substitute for the non-existent father. His sense of protecting and taking care of her and being the “man” she needs becomes enmeshed in the abuse. And the type of abuse that takes place between a mother and son doesn’t always fit into social stereotypes. Society views sexual abuse as something violent or coercive and aggressive – and something that usually involves intercourse. But whether coercion is used or not, “if a child is introduced to a sexually stimulating behavior- which is inappropriate to his (or her) psychosexual and psychosocial developmental maturity – by a parent, it is incest and it is abusive” (C.A. Courtois, 1988).
  
  For male victims the situation becomes even more complicated. Boys are less likely to feel victimized and/or to report sexual abuse, especially mother-son incest, because they either see the abuse as something positive (mother love) or they believe that it is either consensual or they are to blame. Especially, if they became stimulated and ejaculated, they believe that they wanted it. Furthermore, boys are more likely to internalize and not tell - in fact disclosure during childhood was the only sexual abuse variable that differentiated the genders in a study by Roesler & McKenzie (1994) – 31% vs. 61%. But the most significant finding in this study was that the long-term symptomological response to childhood abuse among adult male and adult female victims was similar – in other words – abuse has profound negative long-term effects for both sexes.   This shatters another myth - that boys can handle incest or childhood sex and may even welcome it as a right of passage.
  
  The psychological consequences of mother/son incest are significant.
  
  Because boys don’t tell, they can experience a greater degree of shame, stigma and self-blame than girls. Especially in our current environment, where girls are encouraged to speak up, boys are left to hide something that cuts to the very core of their male hood. In his study on the Psychological Impact of Male Sexual Abuse, David Lisak says one of the most crucial aspects of the experience of male sexual abuse is “a fundamental loss of control: over one’s physical being, one’s sense of self, one’s sense of agency and self-efficacy, and one’s fate”. And yet, as one boy put it, “the thought of losing her was more frightening than her abuse of me.” Lisak refers to the helplessness, isolation and alienation boys experience as they grow up hiding their secret and “seeding the potential for a lifelong struggle with alienation from other people.”
  
  In order to compensate for the feelings of victimization and helplessness that permeated their childhood, adult males abused as boys deal with their masculinity in one of two ways, they either become hyper-masculine and exhibit a lot of anger, especially in relationships with women, or they become passive caretaker types putting everyone else’s needs before their own and exhibiting little or no male ego. Either way they are fighting deeply ingrained feelings of masculine inadequacy. But possibly the most destructive long-term consequence of the abuse is the victim’s inability to trust and therefore to connect with other people. If you have been betrayed by the first and most important figure in your life, how can you ever trust anyone else?
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross   2009
  
  http://www.roniweisbergross.com
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- 10 months ago
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tattoodude71
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brinmyer
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Adult Depression and Childhood Adult Depression and Childhood Abuse
- From: rweisberg
- Description:
  
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  Over the years I’ve discovered that a significant proportion of adult clients who present with depression have a history of childhood abuse. The abuse may have been sexual, physical and/or emotional.   At first I attributed this to the fact that I specialize in abuse and many clients who come to me saying they are depressed are using that as a presenting issue because they aren’t ready to discuss the abuse. But what I now understand is that not only do most adult survivors of childhood abuse suffer from some form of clinical depression. but that most adults with prolonged depression have suffered some form of childhood abuse. An article in Psychology Today published in 2003 stated that, “In almost every case of significant adult depression, some form of abuse was experienced in childhood, either physical, sexual, emotional or, often, a combination.”
  
  Depression runs in families. So does abuse. “Studies show that one in four girls and one in eight boys are sexually abused before the age of 18, and one in twenty children are physically abused each year.”   But sexual and emotional abuse, in particular, is woefully underreported. Most abused children grow up in an atmosphere of denial – denial by the adults around them and, for the most part, denial within themselves as a means of survival. Ultimately it is the secrecy around the abuse that helps to foster the depression. Additionally, neurobiology has expanded our understanding of how emotions affect brain chemistry. Traumatic events – such as any form of childhood abuse (sexual, emotional, physical) or neglect, changes the chemistry of the brain. These events can reshape wiring patterns and reset responses to them so that even a small degree of stress can produce an overabundance of stress hormones that in turn create anxiety and depression.
  
  Depression has been recognized as both a chemical imbalance in the brain and a turning of more aggressive feelings – i.e. anger – inward.   Self-criticism is anger turned inwards. In a recent study by Florida State University researchers, people who were verbally abused as children grew up to be self-critical adults prone to depression. Verbal abuse includes insults, swearing, threats of physical abuse and spiteful comments or behavior. “Over time, children believe the negative things they hear, and they begin to use those negative statements as explanations for anything that goes wrong.”   And while neither sexual nor physical abuse necessarily supply the critical words, the non-verbal communication of these actions say that the child is worthless. In fact, the non-verbal communication of these acts is even more powerful than the spoken words, but that in no way diminishes the fact that verbal abuse creates lasting damage as well.
  
  As clinicians, it is our job to help the depressed client recognize the abuse; recognize the effect it has had on them and help them find an avenue back to self-love through understanding.
  
  Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T.
  
  2009
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- 1 year ago
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circusperformers2
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